Can Lions' Schedule, Rule Changes Restore The Roar?

2009 DETROIT LIONS SCHEDULE

September
13................Taft Junior High School
20................Cub Scout Troop #101
27................Detroit Academy for the Blind

October
04................Spanish-American War Veterans
11................Guardian Angel Orphanage
18................Eloise Mental Hospital
25................Girl Scout Troop # 353

November
01.................St. Benedict Monastery
08.................Fraser Boy's Choir
15.................Korean Amputees
22.................National Association of Hospital Ministers
26.................Great Lakes Synchronized Swim Team

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December 08......Grand Rapids Quilting Society

In addition, the following rules shall apply beginning in the 2009 season:

1. When playing polio patients, the Lions may not disconnect knee braces.
2. When playing the Blind Academy, the Lions must not hide the football under their jerseys.
3. The Lions will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
4. Detroit may substitute with band members, cheerleaders, water boys or fans at their discretion.
5. The Lions may take up to 10 timeouts.
6. Detroit will be awarded a first down with each gain of 3 yards.
7. A touchdown will be awarded each time the football is carried across the goal line (included for Lions fans who have never seen this occur). It will still be worth 6 points.
   

Lions owner William Clay Ford was quoted as saying, "Who needs personnel, management or ownership changes when we have a schedule like this? I think we actually have a shot at a winning season now!" He angrily denounced as vicious rumor a report that claimed he was changing the team name to 'The Pussy Cat Dolls'.